I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
