you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
