Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
