Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
