sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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