3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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