The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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