Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I want is dick and wine.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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