my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
