If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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