so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
