kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
