So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
