A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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