3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
