I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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