It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Randomize
