Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
