I seem to have left my pride at pride
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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