WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
