Define "chronic" masturbator.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
