I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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