Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
