Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
