we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
