Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
