my phone cant type all the emotion im having
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
