Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
