I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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