Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
