Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
