??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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