My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
