just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
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