i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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