a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
