No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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