god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
two words...techno handjob
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
