if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
