i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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