Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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