he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Randomize
