last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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