i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
