Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
