you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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