I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
