I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
