i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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