Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
