State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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