Soap is not a condiment
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
