Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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