some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
